Distractions

For the last month we have been doing online learning. The month of May felt like a nesting period for me. We moved into our new house. Anyone who has lived in Japan knows that being a foreigner and have TWO LARGE DOGS makes finding a place to live near impossible. Japanese landlords don’t want to rent to foreigners because of so many things (we don’t speak the language, we’re loud, we’re not Japanese, etc.). Needless to say when we moved to Japan we never knew moving with our two pups would be so hard.

We moved from a 53 square meter apartment with an awesome 21 square meter balcony on the sixth floor to a 95 square meter two story detached house. Our upstairs is bigger than our the entirety of our old apartment. While we lost the outside space, we did gain easy access to the river that had been taken away at our apartment due to the construction. Our dogs have kilometers of walk spaces now.

So in some ways I’ve been thankful to have had the luxury to stay home every day for the last month. I’ve gotten to wake up later, keep my house super clean, and take my dogs on many walks along the Yodogawa. I’ve been able to not deal with the drama at work and just do what I love: teach. But with that comes other complications. Other distractions.

I have social anxiety. I don’t like conflict. I constantly worry about what other people think of me. I’ve started going to therapy for it. While its still the pandemic and my therapist is in Hawaii, having this new house to have a space away from my husband and just get out what my brain won’t shut up about has been great. I think my therapist would be proud to know that I’m learning its okay to not get upset about things I can’t control.

But tomorrow I go back to working on school campus. The state of emergency has been extended till June 20th and the 25th is our last day of school, so we probably will have to do hybrid teaching for the rest of the year. It’s not great or easy to do. But I can’t control it, and that’s okay.

What I do worry about is things that are unresolved. Like I said I don’t like conflict. I find it hard to be at odds with someone else when I see things differently from their own perspective. So looking at my to do list between now and when grades are due has me in a bit of a pickle, because no matter what I do, I can’t seem to focus and get as much done as I want to. I’m focused on what I can’t control. Mulling over in my head what will become of it. What will be the result of the issues.

I said I was learning to not be upset. I haven’t figured it out 100% yet.

So here I am, Sunday afternoon.

Distracted.